This is such a broad topic and I hope this makes sense to at least one person; all I can do is talk about this from my perspective. I have spoken about this before but I had a very bad, negative experience during my years at secondary school. I have always had strong bonds within my family, I even had strong bonds in my extra curricular activities, for example, when I went to dance school. However, because the majority of my day between the ages of 11-16 were spent in this toxic environment, I am very sad to say, it affected the way I am with people, the way I react to situations and is something that I try every day in my adult life to ‘un-do’, for lack of a better phrase.
I can’t really pinpoint an exact moment where I thought this had affected me so badly but I do remember when I left school and went to college I thought it would disappear and I would be fine. It did happen like that to an extent because I adored my new friends at college and had a really great time over that two years, however, I never thought the effects of the environment from the previous five years would stick with me in some form; now I know they did.
What to do next.
There is no algorithm and there is no mental cure for me. I have begun to realise that now, after nearly 7 years since I left school, I am my own worst enemy. Bad things happen to people every single day, much worse than my situation, and my life is an absolute blessing. Yes, I had a shit time, yes it was hard and unfair but me still thinking about it now, letting it consume me now and, worst of all, thinking that people around me are still doing it to me, because I am that afraid and insecure about it, is holding ME back and only ME.
There is always going to be bad people, or people that don’t wish you well (I was also brought up to be quite wary of everyone’s motives; which is something I hate to overthink now because it does me no good) but there are some damn amazing people too and you can’t expect miracles. Everyone wants the perfect friends who care about them, love them and are their biggest cheerleaders. Whilst it’s important that your friends are all of those things, no one wants you to do better than you.
My Daily Processes.
Others may think ‘just don’t let it bother you’ or ‘move on’ but it isn’t that simple at all. I have realised that holding onto the animosity and the hatred I had for those individuals, who probably don’t even remember me anymore, was making me sour. So, now I try my hardest every single day to take people at face value and not jump to any conclusions about people’s motives or bad intentions; they’re might not be any at all, Sarah!
Another thing I do, which I find really helps, is something I got off Jamelia on Loose Women if I’m completely honest *laughs at her YouTube addiction*. Not every night, but as often as I can or if I am feeling particularly low, I write down everything I have been thankful for that day; no matter how insignificant it may seem. I write down something the puppies did or something caring and loving Jack might have done. It helps me get my very busy mind on to a piece of paper in front of me and I can, not only think about the positive things that have happened that day, but I can see and read them back to myself too; this really helps you count your blessings. You can see just how amazing your day has been simply because you had love, laughter and company and for that I am forever grateful.