Before I begin, I want to say that I don’t think any relationship in life is ever perfect, whether it be with your mum, your best friend or your love interest, nothing ever runs as smooth as ‘perfection’ sounds and to be honest, I think we’d all get bored anyway.
‘it wasn’t until this time, when the thought of another relationship terrified me, that I honestly knew I WAS NOT LOOKING.’
If you have been with me for a while you may have seen me write about a boyfriend or even speak about one on my youtube. I have never publically declared breakups so it might not be obvious when I transition from single to taken. I hate to dwell on the past, and I won’t be doing, but things like this need to be shouted from the rooftops so people know they’re not alone in their thoughts.
I was in an extremely damaging and detrimental relationship this time last year and to anyone that knows me personally, me letting someone destroy everything that I am seems very very hard to believe; but it happened. I lost myself, who I am, what I love, everything… gone. I saw it happen but almost as an out of body experience. I knew I was better than that, stronger than that and yet I had never felt more stuck; I’d been made to believe I was ‘unloveable’. If someone can do that to me, then it can happen to anyone because I am not an easy person to manipulate but this is psychological abuse and it shouldn’t be happening anywhere, to anyone.
It’s safe to say I got myself out of that one; phew!! And I had every intention of staying single for a few years, getting myself back and trying to build what I’d missed out on for two years of my life. I hate to be the bearer of a common saying (no I don’t, I love a good saying!) but ‘I wasn’t looking and he appeared’. I feel like people say this very often but they might be lying slightly. Everyone’s mates will be like ‘just stop looking… don’t worry he’ll show up’ and the immediate response is ‘I’m not’. I shouldn’t say ‘lying’ because I know when I said it i genuinely thought I meant it, I used to say to myself ‘I’m not actively looking for a guy to be with, therefore, I’m not looking’ but that isn’t strictly true, it wasn’t until this time, when the thought of another relationship terrified me, that I honestly knew I WAS NOT LOOKING.
It’s crazy how it happens but when the right person comes along, even if you’re newly single a week prior, you just can’t let them walk out of your life like all the others do. I am not saying for one second that you know all this on the spot, by the way, there’s no bright halo around his head, there’s no light bulb above yours, I am speaking purely from hindsight because when I look back I’m like ‘ohhh yeah, I loved that about him’ something I wouldn’t just blurt out after knowing him for five minutes; our generation is so awkward, so many rules!!
Anyway, when I thought I needed years to find myself again, I ended up reverting right back to who I truly was immediately. I was loving again, I didn’t feel picked on or unsupported, I wanted to care for this new person more than I thought I ever would for a while and I just hoped and prayed it wouldn’t be another ‘I would never hurt you’ and then they do, every time.
It’s safe to say though, a house and a puppy down the line, things are looking amazing and I’m happier than I’ve ever ever been. I have someone who will have my back for life and even though we argue, we disagree and then we’re madly in love again, Underneath it all, I have my best friend. That is where I’ve always gone wrong in the past because even though he’s gorgeous, tall and all the other superficial things we might look for, his morals match mine, his life plan matches mine and we laugh, we cry, we scream but he is the best friend I’ve ever had; and that’s something money will never be able to buy.